When a mom utters the words… “I’ll never” … a little b&#$@ named Karma sits up and takes notice. Karma is all-seeing and programmed to hear every single “I never” that flies out of your pie hole. It becomes her mission in life to bite you in the ass and make you eat your words. Utter the word “never” one time and it’s on like Donkey Kong.
Once upon a time, there was a mom who said “I’ll never drive a minivan.” That was me, in case you’re slow and can’t work that out for yourself. I am still new to the van-o-sphere, so when I step outside to grab the morning paper in my super-sexy flannel PJ bottoms and see the people mover in my driveway, I still wonder “who’s here?” And then I remember it’s me.
When I succumbed to the idea of being a minivan mom (family size necessity and distaste for gas-guzzling-status-symbol SUVs) I felt a little defeated. One day the minivan, the next day the polyester print muumuus and hair curlers hidden under a scarf.
But here are nine reasons why I’m rocking my minivan like a boss and none of them include wearing a muumuu. Some of these reasons might be only in my own mind, but don’t burst my bubble, k? I’m totally okay with a side of delusion with my morning coffee.
1. Increased distance between me and my small humans
This is easier on my eardrums and really, just all around safer for everyone. Cries of “he’s touching me” are sooo much easier to ignore when they’re coming from the way, way back. My next vehicle may very well be a tractor trailer. Plus, I’ve got dual controls on the sound system, so I can jam out to Celine Dion up front without having to pay attention to whatever annoying kid cartoon is playing on the built in DVD player. Yes, I said built-in DVD player. It’s fabulous. And, I was totally kidding about Celine Dion. Ahem.
2. Cup holders. Lots and lots of cup holders.
Whether we’re talking a latte, water bottle, or a forty (okay, maybe not the booze), I’m never in the position of having to search for a place to put my beverage. I’m at the point in my life where I have to triple check that my shoes match, so not having to think about where to stash my drink is a plus.
3. When guys check me out while I’m stopped at a traffic light, I know they’re really looking at me and not my hot car.
Shut up and drink the Kool-Aide with me. This is totally true, as all badass minivan moms will tell you.
4. When the van is rockin’ don’t come knockin’.
The salesman pointed out that if we removed all the seats, our new people mover could hold a double blowup mattress, transforming it in to The Lovemobile. Okay, maybe he didn’t actually say lovemobile but I swear I saw him wink. To date, hubs and I have not christened our van, but if the opportunity…ahem…arises, why the hell not? Remember, never say never.
People mover by day and party bus by night. If Hubs and I want to take 5 of our closest friends barhopping, we’ve got tons of room. There will probably be some rock, paper, scissors going on to see who has to be designated driver, but hey…it is what it is.
6. Get up & go.
My minivan can kick your F-150’s ass in terms of zero to sixty. Seriously, the stereotype of the minivan driving 40 MPH on the freeway is crap. Most of the newer vans on the market have a surprising amount of giddy up, which is a nice feature for any reluctant husbands who may be suffering from the delusion they should be driving a sexier car. Puh-leeze.
7. Everyone can go.
We have a large-ish family, so the reason we bought a minivan in the first place was to fit all of our kids and their assorted stuff in one vehicle. It really puts a damper on family trips to start out with rock, paper, scissors to see who has to stay behind and I just hate to see that kid standing in the driveway crying when the rest of us are loaded up to go to Six Flags.
8. Buttons. Lots of buttons.
I can sit behind the wheel and pretend I’m in the NASA control room (don’t laugh, you probably do it, too.) I can push a button to open and close the back hatch, adjust my seats, the volume of the DVD player in the way back (because I am freakin’ sick of hearing Elsa belt out Let it Go, AKA the last song ever that anyone needs to hear when trying to keep road rage at an acceptable level.) Sometimes, I just sit in my driveway and push buttons, saying stuff like “Wesley Crusher to the bridge.” Seriously, people. Buttons are badass.
9. Farewell my coolness – and I’m okay with that.
While I’ve touted several reasons why a minivan is pretty freakin’ awesome, driving the seven passenger people mover about town does take off a little bit of pressure to be super cool and hip 24/7. Besides, when I look halfway decent while driving my van, it tends to make me look way better in comparison. If my clothes match and I’m wearing eyeliner while I’m loading up that pallet of toilet paper at Costco, some young dude is likely to think I’m a MILF. And, who doesn’t like that?