Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full.
Oh wait, life is never that simple. If it were, we wouldn’t need weight loss tip number two which is something like, “If you’re craving chocolate, don’t eat it. Instead have a dill pickle, it’ll curb your chocolate cravings.”
By the way, weight loss tip number two is a big, fat lie.
Okay, number three. Be honest about your calorie count. Which is dumb because how can I get through the day if I stick to that 1000 calorie deal my doctor thought was a good idea? Hmm? Because frankly cereal at night is the best snack ever.
But, if I have to count calories I’ll make it worth my while by sticking with carbs.
So on to number four. We’ve all heard of using that red, green, orange rule, right? Well, thank God Starburst and Skittles has that covered and it requires no hard thinking on my part.
Number five. Eat one less bite. And make sure it’s a doozey.
Number six. Drink more water. Which is excellent since it mixes so well with kool-aid, lemonade and Vodka.
Good ole number seven. Kick the salt habit. Yeah, like that will ever happen.
Here’s one that’s sure to give you heartburn. Spice up your menu. Which means double pepperoni on my pizza please, thank you.
Um…I lost count, but who cares. Next, no more soda. Including diet soda. In other words, add a splash of carbonated flavored water to your coke.
Number something in double digits. Plate your food away from where you sit to eat. So…if you’re like me, going to the Chinese Buffet, all you can eat for $12.00 is an excellent choice.
Somewhere in these tips is something about a food diary. Which in all honesty works for about a week, then ends up getting filled with notes reminding me to buy another shower cap for me and new sandals for my daughter.
Next, start with soup. I know the “experts” mention stuff about broth and other boring liquids, but personally I’m a fan of potato, cheddar and bacon.
But that’s just me.
Number 27. Take your time eating. Which is why eating from a fast food drive-thru is a preferred method of mine. Why? Because sometimes you’re steering your vehicle and talking on the cell phone at the same time, so your hands are busy and you have to put down the taco.
Here’s another dumb one. Eat something light before you go out to eat.
(Frankly, I’d advise not to use the above if it’s happy hour at Bobby Magee’s.)
This is one of my favorites. Wear fitted clothing since the elastic waistband is the dieter’s fashion enemy. Just be sure to have a fork handy so you can stick a tong in the hole of your zipper of your jeans while you lay on your back.
Number 39. Use healthy talk. You know, like instead of saying words like “fat,” say “fit”; change “can’t” to “can”; “weak” to “strong”; “unhealthy” to “healthy.”
Be sure to ignore your reflection when it laughs at you.
Time for an oldie but a goodie. Never skip breakfast. Which means french toast and waffles are still on the menu.
Number 46. If you’re going to snack, take ten whole minutes to enjoy it. So now you can have two cupcakes instead of one.
And finally number 65. Sleep the weight away. Research shows going to bed an hour earlier results in assisted weight loss. This means it’s okay to have that beer or wine cooler to help you fall asleep better.
There you have it … Sharon’s weight loss tips. Guaranteed to do nothing positive for you, but it will make your taste buds happy.
And this how you can lose weight very, very slowly. I’d say something about working out, but I’ve found it’s hard to go jogging when the cheetos keep falling out of my pocket.
Remember…nothing taste’s as good as thin looks and feels.
Unless it’s a toll house cookie.