Sex is always fantastic when you’re madly in love with someone, but once you’re married, your sex life dwindles a lot more than you probably imagined. Let’s face it, life eventually moves on as you raise kids and have to take a career much more seriously for the sake of your family. Pressures build and soon, you either lack the energy for sex or the opportunities are just few and far between.
One of the many things my girlfriends and I laugh about are our sex lives. We’re all pretty lucky for having amazing men who really love us. Sadly though, I don’t think I’m in the same arena as they are with my husband. They talk about their husbands actually WANTING to have sex with them. Me, on the other hand, I feel like I have to do something spectacular before I get that kind of a treat!
My husband seems to be on a different playing field, mostly because of his age. Our nearly 15 year gap really does a number on our sex life, but according to a Google analysis in 2015, an average of more than 21 thousand people have searched for keywords with sexless marriages and this number doesn’t even include the other 6,029 who are unhappy in their marriage either.
Why Being in a Sexless Marriage Isn’t Always About You
Some believe adding spice to your marriage can help keep it alive, but the reality is, life moves and sometimes spice takes more time and effort than you might have. I’ve learned to stop beating myself up about it. It took me a while to realize it isn’t always about me. Sometimes it’s about life in general.
Now, don’t get me wrong. My husband and I work very hard at trying to keep up with each other. When we’re together, we spice it all up just fine, but we do get busy and we do have our life that moves quite quickly, which I know could be the same for many people. We’re just stating facts here and for many people, the fact is that as much as we try to give our sex lives the attention it needs, other circumstances are there to stay and to make it all very difficult.
3 main reasons sex may not exist in a marriage
- Sex Drive is Gone
- The Lack of Motivation
A lot of pressure is put on my husband, simply because he’s the bread winner and he lives with the stress that the family mostly depends on him. Every day is a busy day trying to make sure he’s doing the best he can at work so he can keep he job that helps keep us all going.
For many couples, I’m sure this is very common. Whether it’s the man or woman who is most busy, sex can seem more of an inconvenience, especially when you know you’re going to want to sleep after. And sleep is a luxury that most couples, especially when they’ve got kids, can’t afford to have.
Being in a marriage means experiencing time lapse with your partner. Gone are the days when we’re able to hide our worst moments. In fact, it’s the time to share everything we go through as we age, including menopause for most women, hormonal imbalances, and so much more.
Low libido can be the effect of many factors. It’s part of life and mother nature’s many gifts. No matter how healthy we are, we are all bound to go through it.
When you’ve got kids, sleep becomes the one thing you must be able to give up. It’s the one thing we need as much as food, but is a lot more difficult to have.
Most of the time, sex is unplanned in a marriage. So be casual and find a way to relax so you can just enjoy each other. Refrain from talking about the stresses in your life and just focus for a moment about anything you could imagine could be fun to do.
Maybe having a few glasses of wine on a Friday or Saturday night can spur some fun moments. It could also help to reminisce and share the moments you had pre-marriage. You might even ask friends to come over for cocktails so you can all have a great time together. Sometimes moments with friends can help remind you just how much fun it is to hang out with your significant other.
Don’t confuse a sexless marriage with a troubled marriage. Just because you don’t have sex, it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or don’t think you’re any less important than the moment you fell in love.
Sex certainly helps, but there are still so many ways you can keep your marriage alive. Sometimes a gesture as small as giving your husband or wife a kiss for no particular reason can help remind you both of how much you mean to each other. Sexless doesn’t define a marriage. Your love, respect and attitudes with one another do.