This is not a tale of a fateful trip aboard a tiny ship, nor is this a tale of the obvious about SAHM’s. (Or WAHM’s or SAHD’s or WAHD’s)
Everyone already knows that your typical SAHM is anything from an unpaid, peanut butter and jelly sandwich making bottom feeder, (<--- That comment from my favorite group of women's libbers) to an unappreciated plumber.
So I’m not going to bother with the obvious, instead…for your reading pleasure…I’m going to introduce you to the world of the unexpected expectations of the stay-at-home-mom.
#1. You are now the official babysitter for the entire neighborhood and all of their friends.
Example: “Hi Sharon, it’s Tiffany from around the corner and down the street about 97 blocks from your neighbor Shelly. I was wondering if you could babysit my identical triplets so I can get my andirons polished. ”
Answer: “Sure, sure…why not? I’m already watching aunt Rita’s great-grandaughters best friend’s daughter’s premature son.
#2. Expect to be the official, royal taste tester to all of the little grand viziers in your house.
Example: “EW! Mom…I can’t take this medicine cuz it’s orange and little Suzi won’t eat her mashed string beans!”
Answer: Watch mommy take the orange medicine and love it! And little Suzi, watch mommy swallow after the airplane lands in her mouth! Mmm Mmm…good.
#3. It’s completely reasonable to expect to become a professional breath/armpit odor evaluator.
Example: Children get over here and line up in order of height. It’s time for me to check to make sure you not only brushed your teeth, but that you remembered your deodorant.
#4. You must learn to become a flatulence smell-reduction observer.
Example: “Son…get over here! You know you can’t go out in public after you eat starch! You make the neighbors dogs pass out!
#5. Expect to become a ghost hunter.
Example: “Daughter…who are you talking to over there about unscrewing the screws off my rocking chair?
Answer: “It’s just Sally the ghost. She thinks you’re mean, so she wants to kill you.”
#6. Cat pee detective
Example: You walk down the hall past all of the clothes you folded and put into neat piles that no one put away, and as soon as you pass the bathroom it hits you. That smell…and now you have to find which pile of clothes the cat took his revenge on.
#7. Eye ball fixer
Example: “Mommy! Brother just ripped Hello Kitty’s eye balls out of her head! Paste it!
#8. Your body and your beverages become a wall.
Example: Any ball thrown in the house will curve in any direction to ensure that it smacks you in the face. That or it knocks over your frosty beverage.
#9. Your entire body is a magnet.
Example: If it’s sharp, made out of glass or starts with the letter “lego” your foot will find a way to step on it.
#10. Have a big ladder handy because next on the list is ceiling mopper.
Example: “Mom! Watch…I’m going to do the diet coke, mentos experiment in the kitchen!
#11. This is one of my favorites. Freezer hacker.
Bad attitude example: The children having been shoving Ken and Barbie in the ice maker to create their own version of the Ice Man Cometh and now the automatic ice maker is frozen. The remedy? An ax.
#12. Fan blade rotator/fireman.
Example: Your children are making tents with half of your sheets and all of your fans when a sheet gets stuck and you hear, “MOMMY! The fan stopped there’s a fire!”
#13. Common core hater:
Example: Your nine year old asks you to help him solve this problem, “Jack has 93 lemons and Jenny has 74. Jack and Jenny hate each other after Jack caught Jenny betting on the horses. How many pairs of underwear should Jack take with him on his business trip?”
Answer? Dear Jack and Jenny. I hate you.
#14. You’re a psychic.
Example: “Son, you better apologize for calling me a ninnyhammer right now!
Sons answer: “What are you talking about? I didn’t say anything!”
My retort: “No…but you were thinking it!”
And there it is. A step by step instruction set on what you can expect your life to be once you’ve decided to become a stay at home mom.