They don’t tell you a lot about parenting before you join the cult.
People joke a lot about losing most of your sleep while your child is an infant, and all of it when your child becomes a teen.
Parents point out the baby fat they’re still carrying from their now 288 month old child.
But, nobody brings up the truly mind boggling aspects of parenthood.
Here’s some of the things I did not realize would happen when I became a parent that keep my head shaking and my eyes rolling more often than I’m willing to admit.
#10. How often someone would scream at me that he or she was not tired or grumpy, and did not need a nap (funny how I always need one).
#9. How often I would step in something wet – from the benign puddles of melted ice cubes and dribbled milk to the nefarious spectrum of bodily productions, which mysteriously appear where they never should (this job really should come with galoshes).
#8. How every semblance of sophistication would be quickly and completely stripped out of my life. Leaving the house in unstained clothes, arriving on time, a clean car, an uninterrupted thought, all gone.
#7. How often I’d utter the phrase “I’m not missing any of this movie to take anyone to the bathroom, so you better go now.”
#6. How I’d cave in every time & take every kid to the bathroom during the movie (I get more steps in during a movie than at the gym in an hour on the treadmill).
#5. How often I would offer bribes to small people to poop or sleep. Or, to let me poop or sleep. Alone.
#4. How much time I would spend admiring captive insects, and negotiating for their release back into the wild.
#3. How many times I would give up my jacket, my water, my snack, my sanity to the child I reminded not less than ten times to bring his or her own, who, nonetheless, forgot to bring it.
#2. How much time and effort other people’s shoes would suck out of my life. Explaining why shoes must be worn. Again. Asking where the shoes were last seen. Again. Hiking halfway back to the waterfall in the dark by the light of my cell phone to retrieve a shoe. Again.
#1. How skilled I’d become at silently opening crinkly candy wrappers, so as not to tip off my children to my clandestine date with junk food.
I don’t share chocolate.
Even with my kids.
It’s really for their own protection.