What Life Is Like With More Than One Child

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Two words…be afraid, followed by three more…be very afraid.

The end…

Oh wait, I can’t leave you hanging like that. I need fill in the blanks for those who think multiple children are fun. Bless your little souls. I guess watching Eight is Enough or 19 kids and counting just wasn’t clear enough, so let me try.

Mom-with-More-Than-One-Kid

Having multiple children will be your greatest achievement and your biggest headache. It’ll also be the main reason to keep spare toilet plungers in the garage.

So…what’s the first thing to expect when you add child #2 to your family?

Jealousy. And lots of it.

Your oldest child will be jealous of the attention the baby gets, your spouse will be jealous of the attention the baby gets, dad will be jealous that baby gets more boob than he does and mom will be jealous of all the sleep everyone else is getting.

The next thing to expect?

Memory lapses.

You used to know what day of the week it was, but now you have to check the bottom of your computer screen, your cell phone display or by hitting the menu button on your DirectTV.

What was I just saying? Oh yeah…something about memory.

The third expectation?

For the first time in your life you have to tell your friend on the phone to hold on while you grab the safety scissors from child #1 as they attempt to give their younger sibling a hair cut.

And even then, some of us are not done. Here’s what to expect when you have child #3.

Jealously. And lots of it.

The next? More memory lapses. For example, five minutes after you get in the car with your three little darlings you suddenly remember that you forgot deodorant.

And shoes. For all of you.

Oh, and one gallon of milk per week won’t cut it anymore. Neither will one loaf of bread or one box of cereal.
It’s also time to start getting child #1 to help.

Sure, sure, they’ll complain that it’s not their baby and not their mess, but this is when you’ll start saying, “When you’re paying rent you can tell me no, maybe, but until then, grab the diaper bag, get the Lego out of your Jhonny’s mouth, grab me a bib and eat your banana. The school bus will be here in five minutes.”

Now…this is the part where a lot of people stop making babies, but for those of us that don’t, here’s what’s up with child #4.

Jealousy and lots of it. Oh, and that memory thing? Forget it. This is the part where you start making daily lists reminding yourself to put on pants after you get out of bed. Only trouble is you keep forgetting where you put the lists.

You’re giving a child a bath every night, helping with homework while you change diapers, mopping projectile vomiting off your ceiling and you forget what hot food and cold drinks taste like.

This is also where it gets really fun for those of us who move on to children number five and beyond.

You’ve become so used to never sleeping anymore that anything over three hours in a 24 hour period counts as oversleeping and because you keep forgetting to clean the dryer’s lint filter you’ve learned to put out little fires without your spouse noticing.

Which is why you buy spackle and paint on the DL.

You don’t bother trying to find your keys anymore because you’ve forgotten how drive and the only phone calls you ever get come from your kids teachers.

Oh, and you have no clue what your kids names are anymore.

Or your own.

Socks and spoons will go missing, Polly Pockets will clog the sinks, you’ll never have any super glue or batteries when you need them, you learn how to use hair clippers to save money on hair cuts, shoe laces will be lost, boogers will be wiped on the wall, fights will break out, dinner is rarely on time and you’ll ask yourself daily how you could have let yourself go…

And there you have it. The reason why Monks and Nuns are always at peace.

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