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how kids change relationships and marriages

Do Kids Really Make a Difference in Personal and Marital Relationships?

Kids change the dynamic of your relationship with your spouse. No, it’s not just about being married and reaching a certain comfort level with your partner. It’s something completely different that I’m sure you can relate to once you read on and hopefully begin to understand.

marriage after kids

Last week, my husband and I had one of our big spats (he calls it spat, I call it a fight). I could honestly tell you that I have no idea what it was even about. However, I do know that it ended much better than I expected.

Many men tend to think women use their menstrual cycles as an excuse to act bitchy or just be mean. I never intentionally try to be this way and have in the past tried to “watch myself” and control what I could. Sometimes, however, I can’t seem to do that. As much as I want to, my mouth has a way of getting ahead of my brain and I’m often guilty of speaking before I rationalize a situation.

So when my husband and I were arguing last week, I chose not to speak to him for a few hours as I normally do. Later, he asked me why I don’t just speak up when something is wrong. Why does it take hours to pry it out of me.

To be honest, it’s because I’m so mad at him, but I just don’t know how I’m going to talk to him about why I’m so pissed off. He could be sitting on the couch and doing something completely harmless, while I think of how I’m going to respond or even tell him about my anger. So it takes longer than he wants it to be and I stew on it with long silences and dirty looks.

In the end, I finally told him I needed him to be understanding. Sometimes I’m going to want to scream and yell for no reason and I need him to just understand it. Sadly, it’s probably true that it has to do with “my time of the month,” but I needed him to understand that I can’t always predict what’s going to happen or how I’m going to act. So I can’t promise I’ll behave. I just needed him to know that I love him regardless of what happens.

It all sounds like I’m a crazy lunatic, but after sharing this with my girlfriends, I realized that it’s something many women probably go through, but can’t openly admit. Our hormones can make us CRAZY!

My husband looked at me as I irrationally screamed and told him all the things I “needed” him to understand. Once I was done screaming, he calmly nodded and said, “ok.”

I didn’t know how to respond then, but it shut me up and I felt like I won something special. I later realized that I actually did. I won a little bit of understanding from my husband.

My husband still surprises me in so many ways. This argument threw me off, because I couldn’t believe how understanding he was.

As a husband, he was more carefree and lived in the moment. Even after being married, our relationship was more “fun” and filled with more possibilities. As parents we live for our son and the family we are gifted with. There’s a lot less “living in the moment” moments, but a lot more understanding moments.

Karlyn Bishop

Karlyn Bishop

Karlyn Bishop is the proud mommy to little Oliver and wife to hubby. She is a resident of Laguna Beach and a big player in the web's large social media circle.

23 comments

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  • My husband and I are very aware of our disagreements especially in front if the kids. We do want the kids to know that in marriage and in life disagreements will happen but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of addressing them. Listening is key but one of the hardest things to do especially when your angry.

  • Kids are definitely a pain in the rear when it comes to our attitudes. I know that I have lashed out when I was stressed at them at my spouse.

  • The relationship can definitely change since there is one more stress to be added. I think we all just need to calm down and put everything in perspective no matter what.

  • I can understand that kids can change the dynamic of your relationship. This kind of fight could have happened without kids though too.

  • I guess I got thrown off as to how this had to relate to the kids. For me I read this as you were having a moment and your husband got the silent treatment. As moms (I am not one but I empathize) sometimes there is no shut off button, just to do. So maybe there is a seperation sometimes when its time to be a husband and wife when your both too busy being parents or workers for society.

    I am glad this one moment help you communicate with your spouse better. I know it can be challenging because it seems like your unit is used only for the kids benefit now but its not. Remember you guys got married to each other, and when the kids leave you will still have to keep that bond strong. Im glad this little “spat” helped bond a little bit of your communication needs.

  • That’s just lovely. It’s important that you work on your issues with understanding for one another. There’s nothing better than communicating in a way that you’ll have a solution in the end. i think it’s nice that you grew more understanding of each other after you’ve had kids.

  • Our relationship changed quite a lot when we had our daughter. I think it will take some time to get used to new situations and it might bring some tensions. But even having kids, it’s important to have some alone time once in a while too!

  • I guess its a very wise choise since sometimes when we´re pissed off we say word that can be heart breakers… it is better to stay calm and then just have a conversation.

  • Yeah I wish my husband was that understanding but nope! Since we had a child he is pretty much the same, probably more lazy to be honest unless its just me noticing it more because I have so much more to do lol

  • I think years of being together that you seem to know each other, have been in a lot of misunderstanding that you have passed through can also make a difference in your relationship. Of course, your family, your kids was a big factor but as they said, “experience is still the best teacher.”

  • It’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and take things out on our spouse. It was very hard to me to open up when we were first married and I bottled things up until I eventually exploded. Now that we have kids, I’m more honest and open and I try to not get as emotional.

  • I totally understand what you mean and i do agree that kids do make a difference in a marriage. I think sometimes we are to busy being parents that we can forget to be a couple and i do think sorting differneces out a when kids are around is harder as like you say you have to hold things back and sometimes we need to let it out to get passed it rather than letting things build up

  • I totally understand what you mean and i do agree that kids do make a difference in a marriage. I think sometimes we are to busy being parents that we can forget to be a couple and i do think sorting differneces out a when kids are around is harder as like you say you have to hold things back and sometimes we need to let it out to get passed it rather than letting things build up