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life and lemons quote

What Is Narcissism and Why Must You Stay Far from It?

I feel like I’ve hit a time in my life when I can’t afford to waste anymore of it on nonsense and people who bring me down. Yes, I’ve seen about a hundred different quotes and posts that talk about this particular thing, but no matter what age we are, I believe we could still run into it simply because we have the ability to care.

narcissism and friendships

I’d like to share a little story which I really need to get off my chest. I have to warn you though, that it’s a mama drama story with moms who just couldn’t get along. Let’s face it, just because we’re moms, doesn’t mean we’re dead right? We are still women and we are still aloud to have a life. Sometimes part of that will just include a little bit of drama.

It all started about 8 years ago. I became friends with someone I really admired. I thought she was sweet, genuine, caring and quite beautiful all around. After years of being told by others to look beyond the surface, I finally realized it was all a facade. Let’s call her Amber.

Amber didn’t have a whole lot of friends she was really close with. She had about a thousand Facebook friends, but she didn’t really have any personal friends except for one. Let’s call her Peggy. Peggy was awful. Maybe it’s the Orange County diva in her, but everyone she met, she usually looked up and down with a scowl. Someone once said to me, “There’s something strange about the fact a girl who seems so perfect and sweet on the surface hanging out with someone that horrid. Perhaps there’s a side of her you don’t know?”

She’s the kind of friend who never called you back until she needed something. I did my best to call her often and to remind her that I’m still around, being her friend. Sometimes I’d leave her a message and she would call me back after 3 weeks, sometimes longer. Once I got really annoyed and stopped calling her and for 18 months we didn’t communicate until her husband, Dick called me to tell me he was going out of town and to see if I can check in on her while he was gone. When I reminded her of my absence, she said she didn’t even notice. Nice, right?

About 5 years ago, she pursued a friendship with a woman who had a daughter the same age as hers. They became great friends and about 2 years ago, she finally introduced her to me. Her name is Carrie. Carrie and I hit it off instantly and Amber even said, “you guys are more alike than you realize.” Sure enough, we became the best of friends.

When You’re Given Lemons, You Can Either Keep That Sour Face On or Make Lemonade

life and lemons quote

Recently, Amber’s ugly version all came spewing out. It all started with her jealousy over my friendship with Carrie.
About a month ago, we went on a girls’ trip to Tennessee to celebrate her 40th birthday party. Amber’s husband arranged everything and told us he was going to book a couple of hotel rooms. After Carrie, myself and another close friend booked our flights together, we were told that plans had changed. We were going to be staying in an Air BnB instead and had to pay $267 per person to be in it. That’s right, we weren’t asked, we were just told.

Now, the idea of the trip all began because the four of us, Carrie, Amber, another friend name Sally and myself all planned on going somewhere for each of our 40th birthdays. The birthday person was going to choose the location.

Amber was the first of us all to reach that point. Her choice was Tennessee, but instead of the 4 of us going, she invited as many other people as would like to go, including those she doesn’t really know too well.

I then spoke my piece and talked to Amber about my concern of having to share a house with 9 women (5 of which I didn’t even know) when there were only 3 bedrooms.

“Well, you three (Carrie, Sally and myself) can share the master bedroom. We’ll all just figure out the rest. Would this make you more comfortable?”

Closer to the date, I received an email from Amber’s husband who said he heard we had concerns about staying in the Air BnB and wondered why we had not paid the $267. He said he knew the three of us (Carrie, Sally, me) were maybe planning on staying at a hotel. He politely said we needed to just pay the $267 regardless of what we decided to do because the trip wasn’t about us, it was about Amber.

Nobody wanted to complicate it anymore than it was so we just gave in and paid the money. Yes, we all had our reservations, but we committed to going and we were going to just do it.

We got there a day later than everyone due to work schedules. However, when we did arrive, there was no place set aside for us, not even the master bedroom. One of the girls had the entire room all for herself, which could have easily had two people in it.

We also took a red eye flight there so when we got in, we asked if we could just take a couple of hours to nap before we headed out with everyone.

“Yes, of course. You can take the bedroom for now and we’ll figure it all out later.”

So we did just that. Carrie, Sally and I all crashed into one bed and took our much needed nap.

Our first night back, all 9 women went bar hopping through Tennessee’s night life. By 1 o’clock, Carrie, Sally and I were beat. So we headed back with an Uber.

The next morning, nobody spoke to us, including Amber. In fact, Carrie walked downstairs and realized everyone was talking about her when they suddenly stopped whispering. Apparently, we stole the room and took it away from the birthday girl who had shared it the night before with a friend she’s recently become close with.

The following night, we went out again. This time, our bags, clothes, toiletries and everything else we had in the bedroom were placed outside of the bedroom door. We were told to find somewhere else to sleep.

We got home safely and I received a message from Amber telling me she wanted to meet with me. She said she was going to drive over to see me.

This is a girl who knew me for 8 years and had only been to my house a total of 5 times. My house is approximately a 45 minute drive to her house.

Amber has 3 small children. As a good friend, I wanted to be there for her as much as possible. So I often offered to pick up one of her daughters, sometimes 2, to spend time at my house for the weekend. So I would drive 45 minutes to her house and then 45 minutes back to mine. Then almost every time, I would have to drive all the way back to drop her kids off and then back to my house. Yes, the friendship was usually one way.

So when Amber told me she was going to drive over to my place to talk, I knew it was going to be good. I was not wrong.

What Is a Narcissist?

She met me at a local coffee shop and the entire conversation lasted less than 10 minutes, if that. The minute I sat down, she went on to explain what Carrie and I had done wrong to her at the trip all the while she kept cutting me off and didn’t for one second give me the opportunity to even say a word. She kept telling me she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.

Amber also mentioned that Carrie and I were being bullies because we were posting things we do together, which meant that we were doing it all to hurt her. She also mentioned that my friendship with Carrie won’t last and went on to say some really nasty things about her.

This really had me thinking that this girl seemed to know absolutely nothing about me. I would never maliciously hurt someone like that. Carrie and I have become close because we had so much in common. There was nothing malicious or mean about our friendship.

The more I thought about this whole experience, the more I thought about how she’s been in the past and the more I realized just how much she matched the description of a narcissist. A narcissist is someone who loves hearing and talking about themselves more than they care to admit. Everything they do revolves around the attention they could get out of a situation. She’s also a hypochondriac and appears to suffer from munchausen syndrome, but that’s a whole other story.

what is a narcissist

When It’s Time to Let Go of the Narcissist in Your Life

Amber also mentioned that we had no respect for her birthday and that we didn’t even acknowledge it by buying her a drink or anything else. Yes, she said that to me after I just spent a thousand dollars flying across the country to celebrate her birthday.

So she ended it by telling me she could no longer be my friend. I looked at her and said, “I’m ok with that” and I stood up to leave.

I didn’t feel it needed anymore words. On top of the many incidents she’s proven how much attention she needed, I was still in shock over the narcissistic behavior she just portrayed. I couldn’t believe that someone would just say all those things to me after I just set my own life aside, including the fact that I made arrangements NOT to be with my family for a weekend so I can celebrate her birthday with her.

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More info on narcissism

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I’ve been pondering life a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that I’m going to start living more of it in the most positive way I possibly can. Life is much too short to spend on stuff that shouldn’t matter. So from now on, every experience will have a positive light on it.

I’m glad my now ex-friend is no longer in my life actually, because it’s now one less negative thing I have to deal with. She’s made me feel many different levels of crazy many times and I just put up with it, because I always felt she was my friend. Turns out, she really wasn’t.

I feel as if every bad experience is there to help us grow into a better, stronger person than we were. Without her, I can focus on the more positive aspects of life.

positive thoughts and narcissism

Karlyn Bishop

Karlyn Bishop

Karlyn Bishop is the proud mommy to little Oliver and wife to hubby. She is a resident of Laguna Beach and a big player in the web's large social media circle.

24 comments

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  • That’s so hard girl. I had a girl who I thought was a friend and then came to the realization that she was only around because I gave her things. It was when she stopped by with her daughter and her daughter asked if I had an extra Starbucks card to give her. Seriously? I was only good for things not as a friendship. It hurt a lot, but I’m better off getting her out of my life.

  • The way she ignored you and not returned your calls in the early days of your friendship looked like trouble already. Being the good friend that you are, you showed you cared and still continued your friendship. However, when she showed her true colors, it was definitely time to let go. No space for toxic people in our lives!

  • I feel like you just described a friend of mine I have had since High School. She’s really the only one that’s stuck around and she has her good moments and bad moments. But I feel like I needed to cut her out of my life because it just became too negative, so I haven’t hardly hung out with her for 2 years. She just sucks the life out of you basically, just like your ex-friend.

  • While I don’t have any friends with narcissistic personality disorder, I have a couple of family members that have a severe case of it. I also have a brother-in-law that has munchausen syndrome. Sadly, it’s harder to remove these type of people out of your life when they’re your family members. The best way I deal with them is to limit contact with them much as possible. 🙁

  • I’ve got a friend like this. Same type of thing with living about 30 minutes away yet I’d always be the one doing the driving to visit, etc.
    We haven’t spoken much lately either.

  • What a terrible friend to have but somehow we’ve all been there and we’ve all had to decide to let go. Some people are just not worth it anymore. It’s funny how they don’t really try to get to know us, they just go on and on about themselves.

  • I’m glad that you got that person out of your life if you didn’t like the way she was treating you. Thanks for sharing your personal experience.

  • That is horrible. I am so sorry that you had to deal with it. Ive had these friends and it made me rethink my friendships. It has actually made me somewhat of a loner and focus on my own family.

  • I love reading this post and I have a similar friend and I want them to remove of my life they giving me a stressful life.

  • The mask will always fall off eventually. Narcssists are fantastic a playing the victims and making you think you’ve done something wrong, when really it’s them! It’s their way of manipulating the way others perceive them. If she was your real friend the friendship would not have been so one-sided. If she was your real friend she would have considered your feelings and wouldn’t have cared where your stayed in Tennessee as long as your were there to celebrate with her. She would have also made sure you were comfortable in the house with the other girls since she was the host and it was her job to make sure you felt comfortable. But see… narcssisits aren’t capeable of authentic friendship. She doesn’t even know what it means to be a real friend. You made the right choice. You deserve better. Cheers to a life with less drama now that she’s not there to fabricate it!

  • This article is so on point. I’ve had so many of these toxic friendships in the past! So glad you cut this person out your life though.

  • I think the scary thing is that you have described so many people I know of, and so many that others know of too! Narcissism is a scary thing, especially when it’s someone in your family!

  • There are a lot of toxic people in our lives if we fail to see who they really are the first time they show us. It is easier to identify people like this as you weed them out in your own life, time will help.

  • Well, this sounds like a ton of drama. I have finally learned to cut out people who spew negativity and I have never been happier. I hope you do the same!

  • WOW that is brutal! I had a friend like that. The issue was my wedding. She was my maid of honor and was pissed off when the attention was on my rather than her (as I realized later, our whole friendship was). To give her credit, she played the MOH beautiful but never talked to me again after my wedding.

    • This is so funny, but I had another friend who was the same way. She was mad because she said I didn’t pay that much attention to her on my wedding and threatened to fly back home before it was over. This was a girl who had known my entire family since we were 14! Where do I find these people, right?

  • You did the right thing! I wish you had been able to do it sooner but narcissists are funny that way – usually highly intelligent and VERY manipulative – they get away with things like this for FAR too long. A lot of people are not strong enough TO walk away like you were. GOOD FOR YOU!