“Do you want a boy or girl?”
I can’t tell you how often I heard this question. And I answered, pretty dishonestly most of the time.
“ Oh I don’t care, I just want a healthy baby!” When my husband would honestly answer “BOY!” every time. But under my fake smile and people pleasing answer, deep down in my heart I wanted a baby girl.
Growing up with two sisters and my mom sparked my desire for a baby girl once I got pregnant. My sisters and I are very close as well as my mom and I. I dreamed of going shopping with my little girl, getting her first pedicure, picking out what bow she was wearing for the day (because she WOULD wear a bow, every single day). Its ugly to admit that I didn’t want a boy, but it is a very real and common feeling. And yes, I feel guilty that I ever thought that. I feel guilty that my gut feeling, my motherly instincts told me that I was going to have a boy and I was disappointed. I was afraid of raising a son. It was out of my territory. I couldn’t picture it. I was so afraid to fail at being a mother to a little boy. And even with all of these dreams of pink bows and glitter, I knew my husband wanted a boy. He had the same fears about raising a girl as I did about raising a boy.
After our 20 week ultrasound as we anxiously awaited to find out if we needed to buy hair bows or bow ties! I wanted it to be a boy out of the pure excitement it would bring to my husband, yet selfishly I still wanted a girl. As we cut into that gender reveal cake and saw the bright blue I was surprisingly overtaken with joy! The fear of raising a son went away and the dream of pink bows and glitter got tucked away for next time. The fact was that I was having a son and I was ecstatic! Sure, it is different, and not as sparkly. It is something I was very unfamiliar with. But he was MY SON! We had a name picked out for him already and I couldn’t help but repeat it in my head as soon as we cut that cake. It was perfect.
As my son grows from tiny newborn babe to a walking talking toddler, I am having a blast. Sure, he prefers trucks and cars and he loves to play in the dirt, but it is an amazing experience for me. One so great that I never could have dreamt it up on my own. Now I look at my husband’s relationship with his mom in a whole new light. The way a son loves his mother is so rich, so incredibly sweet and I am lucky to be able to experience that.
I believe that many parents are afraid to say what they really desire, boy or girl. I believe this feeling is more common then we realize. But the truth is that once you find out, it doesn’t matter anyway And it may not be an automatic change of heart. It may take some time and that is okay! What I can guarantee is that once that tiny babe is in your arms, it doesn’t matter if his little hospital hat is pink or blue. That baby is the most perfect, beautiful little piece of both of you. Enjoy him, or her!